Life is like a bowl of cherries...

Life has been beating the very crap out of me lately. And today felt like a particularly low day.

Daniel and I have been struggling to survive for what feels like forever, and I don't use that language lightly or in exaggeration. We've been getting hit harder and harder. And it feels like, and I really hope (knock on wood), that there is no lower we can go.

Between Daniel's mental health and medical problems - anxiety, depression, PTSD, and insomnia with all of the medical and emotional issues that go along - and our financial difficulties - we made just over $10,000 last year and are lucky to get $600 to $700 a month this year - not to mention being evicted from our home at the end of October last year - I thank God that my brother took us in - I'm surprised that I've been able to hold it together this long.

But today I am too tired to be ok. I'm too broken hearted to be sane. I feel too crushed under the wheels of mortality to feel like anything but a failure.

I know I've been very, very blessed in the midst of these trials. A little girl named Lorna being one of the very biggest of those blessings. And things have gotten so much better with Daniel's challenges, he's made so much progress. And financially we have some very good hope that things will be getting better. And did I mention that my brother took us in and gave us a safe place to land for however long we need?

But today I just can't handle it. Tonight I can't see the dawn that's just around the corner. My burdens feel too heavy and my failures feel too big. I see the amazing, fun, wonderful, interesting, beautiful things that friends and family have going on in their lives and get buried in the fears and doubts of inadequacy, disappointment, and short-sighted self pity. I know, I know. All that I'm seeing are their shiny moments and they, all of them, have plenty of darkness in their lives. I'm just not capable of rational thought right now.

Tomorrow will probably be better. And the crushing weight today will more than likely feel a lot lighter. But today life really does just feel like the pits.